Trail Lawyers Endgame

Quoting the below anti-lawyerite:

Well, I hope that Mr. Seagate et al will help you out eventually. A young, broke attorney with multiple vessels? You're phuked, my friend........

Hey, here's a case for ya that could pay off-----Will the $1.85 light bulb that I bought last week really last 2,000 hours? I was planning on scewing it in tomorrow night and starting the timer.............

My response:

wow, now those are tough damages to quantify, even in a class action. should the bulb burn out prematurely, you'd have a legitimate breach of express warranty claim. so, we'd prorate the replacement cost according to how long it actually lasted. if it lasts 1,000 hours, then we can sue for $0.93, rounded up to include pain and suffering.

as your attorney, in order to get you any money, i'm going to need you to carefully follow my instructions:

go sit down in the den with your dog gipper, start your timer, and make sure not to leave. in fact, don't divert your eyes from the bulb--if we're going to assess your damages, i must insist that the timing be accurate.

watch the light bulb intently until it burns out. do NOT divert your eyes, even when the retinas begin to crinkle. it's nothing permanent, i promise. then, when you stand up (in the dark), trip and fall down...hard. and make it look convincing. try to make sure that when you trip, your head goes crashing into that glass-framed glossy of dan quayle that you have in your study. the more blood the better!!

then, as you're screaming and bleeding profusely, have your maid rosalita take pictures--lots of pictures. it's okay, we won't call her as a witness, so she can stay.

so, you've heard of mock juries, right? what i need you to do is post the pictures here so i can accurately guage what the real jury's response will be.

my fee will of course be the standard 1/3, or $.031 of actual damages, and $8.3 million pain and suffering.

we're gonna get you a lot a money! (*wink* and *pat on ass*)